Admitting Defeat

I tried, damn I have REALLY tried these past seven months to put on a strong front and overcome Karl's death on my own.
I don't know why but month seven has been HORRIBLE.
I cry my self to sleep every night.
Two nights ago I pulled out his hoodie, I had it in a sealed up tight Ziploc bag, hoping it would preserve his scent.
Oh, it did. I smelled him, it was him, exactly how he would come home smelling in the winter, always with that diesel man smell that only a mechanics wife would know.
I'd always, ALWAYS every night when he walked through that door put my head on his chest and hug him close. I'll never, if I live to be 100 forget the way he smelled and felt.
Anyway, yea...I pulled it out and put my face in that hoodie and he was there, but he wasn't "there" and it nearly killed me.
I cried and shook so hard I thought I might actually give myself a heart attack.
I didn't put it away though, not that night..I slept with it close. That "scent" is the closest thing I have to keeping him alive next to me.

Yesterday morning I had to admit, this is not something I can do myself. Maybe it is time to give grief counseling a try.
So, Monday morning I'll start making some calls, if I have time because Bear comes home in the morning, Kolin has football, Kody has black belt class, there is always too much to do. How I do it all in a day still baffles me sometimes. I was always used to the two parent drop off one, pick up the other,meet you at home for dinner routine.
I guess you gotta do what you gotta do, sucks but it's life.
My hat goes off to ALL the single parents of the world. I never realized what a major job you have. Whew....

I haven't taken any pictures, so here's a couple of happier times, taken 2 years ago.

The outtake...



To get this...



Every time I see his picture I am awestruck by how beautiful he really was. :)

Have a beautiful day everyone!!

Short & Red

That's what Kolin calls her.
Personally, I think she's short and red with an attitude, which she gets from her Momma.
Just sayin'...

These were from yesterday...she wasn't having it.





It's her Slipknot shirt she's wearing in all these and her hair is still wet from the bathtub. I tried to get more with some girlie stuff on but, well...it didn't happen, not at all. You can see her holding the shirt I wanted on her in the last picture, n way was she going to make me happy by putting it on. :(









I've been spending time with my youngest since #5 is off to camp. Actually he spent yesterday and last night at his sisters so I was by myself most of the day and all night.
I did get a text early this morning telling me he misses me and really wants to come home. :)

Football has been keeping him busy, sweaty and smelly. Pictures soon. Unless of course you don't want to see a sweaty kid in which case I wouldn't blame you at all.

Have a great night everyone!!

Camp Time

My Bear's gone for six days.
Six days without a phone and internet, whatever will he do? :)



He sooo did NOT want his picture taken, but I did anyway. He's gonna kick my butt when he gets home and see's this. HA HA!!



And just for a fun comparison, here's his last years picture...



New year, new Slipknot shirt. LOL!!

We're off to football practice then treating Kolin to a pizza for dinner.

Have a great night everyone!!

I'm Calling This Monday Cuz I Can't Think Of A Title

Cuz I'm kinda whooped, and my brain is in over-heated overload and karate and football at the same time is like WOW, a lot of running back and forth and Kody starts camp tomorrow and I can't believe my lil' brat is leaving me for a week and ummmm, I'll shut up now.
Thanks for listening. :)

I took this today, it's a crepe myrtle tree I have growing in my back yard. It took forever to bloom this year. It was Vinny's tree, guess she's grieving too.



I believe that everyone should try to do something a couple times a week, OK maybe once a week that your scared to death of. Take a risk, you'll be very surprised.
I have had a horrible fear of water ever since I was young. I am scared to death of drowning, petrified of deep water, anything over 4 feet is a no go.
This past weekend the boys and I went to stay at KK's place and as always the boys will drag me out to the pool where I always park it in a lounge chair, plug in my music and take in the sun while watching them have fun..lots of fun, in the deep end.
Their Dad taught them how to swim when they were little.
He tried to teach me about 100 times but I never could let go of the death grip I kept on his neck.

I don't know how he did it, my Kolin actually talked me into and had me ease my way on the wall, deeper and deeper into the deep end.
Then he had me hold on to the ladder while he showed me, how to float, to swim, how to tread, how to let go....
To let go, remember that cuz after about 45 of minutes of him showing and talking to me, I let go.
I swam, floated, tread water and by Sunday I was jumping into that 9 foot section like it was nothing.

I had fun with my kids and they did too.

I've always been afraid I'd go down to the bottom of the deep water end and not be able to get back up, turns out that I barely ever made it to the bottom cuz I was constantly floating back up.
So, what I feared the most really wasn't so scary at all.

And to be honest, I seriously thought I felt a hand, maybe an arm underneath me keeping me afloat.
Yes, I know...crazy but could he have been there too?

Take care everyone!! :)

Seven...

"What we have once enjoyed we can never lose;
All that we love deeply, becomes a part of us."
Helen Keller



Happy 7 months in Heaven Baby. I love & miss you so much!

~*~Forever & Always, Your Izzy~*~

The Good The Bad and The Ugly

Just not necessarily all in that order.

At the risk of being completely embarrassed I'm here today to fill you all, well mainly my woman friends on a little something I've been keeping a secret.

Last month, after spending some time out in the sun, at a water park I got a tiny sunburn. No worries, it happens all the time.
That night as I was slathering on the aloe & vitamin e lotion I noticed a small bump in the ta-ta.
Well, you know..I thought {hoped} I was wrong and let it go a couple of weeks.
Fast forward, a couple weeks later, it was still there.

So, I went to the Dr. who suggested a mammogram.
I went to the hospital two days later and had the mammogram {which BTW does NOT hurt} and the Dr. there suggested an ultrasound.
So, I went and had that done at the same time.
Yup, something suspicious was there but they had no idea what.
Back to my Dr. for a follow up who wasn't thrilled with the results and sent me to a surgeon.
Now at the surgeons, she suggested two options, remove the bump or a needle biopsy. I went for the lesser of the two, the needle biopsy.
I mean, really...it's a small needle, right? LOL..wrong!

The following week there I was, alone sitting in a room with some women magazines, a fabric gown, a plastic bag of my own belongings/clothes and my thoughts, thoughts about how messed up this was that I was sitting there alone cuz I know my Vinny would have been there. However, my #2 Bonehead, Kayara was waiting out in the main waiting area, so honestly I did have somebody.

OK, so they call me in...get prepped, yadda yadda, wait for the Dr to come in {who was wonderful, he really was very cool}.
And he takes out a small needle and says I'll feel a little burn.
Oh cool I thought this will be over quick.
HA HA HA...that needle was just the numbing medicine.
Next step he tells me to close my eyes while he makes a puncture hole for the needle.
What??? A puncture hole? Hold on now can someone explain to me...
And then out came the needle, which looked more like a BBQ lighter and I'm thinking "They're gonna stab me in the u know what with that??!!"
And he sure did, a bunch of times...each time clipping off a piece for pathology.
Then they stuck in there a small titanium clip called a tissue marker, so for the future they would have a reference as to where it is and how big it is.

They closed me up, bandaged it shut, took me in for another mammogram {which did pinch that time, but all things considered what just happened I figured it would}, gave me an ice pack {a baggie full of frozen peas}, and sent me on my way.

Three days later I got a call from my surgeon.
Yes it is a tumor, BUT, it is a benign tumor and all I have to do is follow up with regular mammograms, call if there are any changes, and live happily ever after.

So, the moral of this story I guess is, don't be like me and assume nothing else can possibly go wrong. Check yourselves ladies...you just never know.

So, the good was it turned out to be non life threatening.
The bad is that is was there at all.
The ugly is that for a few brief minutes I actually hoped this would be my ticket to Heaven to be back with the man I love.
Fortunately, he saw otherwise. :)

I took this today, just some roses I bought for myself at Wal-Mart yesterday.



Have a beautiful day everybody!!

Mood Lifters

I was at the store two days ago and found some daisies marked down real cheap, so I decided what the heck...it was a mood lifter for sure.
I got a feeling I'll keep fresh flowers on my dining room table for as long as I can find them half off. :)



Kolin started conditioning practice for football this week, so things are getting a lot busier around here.
Keeping busy is good...really good for all of us.
He was kind of worried that he'd have a hard time with it, not seeing his Dad out there watching him like he always did, and he did admit it was a little rough, looking out and seeing his Momma sitting alone but he kept at it and worked hard, really hard cuz I think somehow, some way, he knows his Dad was right there next to me watching him. :)

Have a beautiful day everyone...stay cool!!!!

Always Kiss Me Good-Night

Today I found this picture, I don't know if my Vin ever even saw it. Taken 2 years ago and left in a folder forgotten about until today.
I hope there's internet in Heaven.



"Always Kiss Me Good-Night" was something he said to me every night.
The last time I saw him in his casket, I was alone with him and although it took me a few times before I could finally walk out of that room, the very last thing I ever said to him was "Always Kiss Me Good-Night", and then I kissed him on his perfect lips and walked away for the last time.
It damn near killed me.

I think I must be losing my mind.
On the outside I appear OK. At night, I am a mess.
Last night I slept with his urn/box of remains next to me in my bed with my arm wrapped around him in a hug.
It's all I have left of him.
Am I losing it?
Here's where some might think I am, but I don't..I KNOW WHAT I FELT.

He was with me last night, I was asleep but just barely judging from the time on the clock when I woke up, I'd only been asleep less then an hour.
I felt him, really and honestly felt him get in bed next to me, on his side and put his arm around me like he did every single night.
I tried to call his name but nothing would come out, like my voice was paralyzed somehow.
But I wasn't afraid, it felt so good. I could see the box in between us and I could see him, and I could definitely feel him, kind of cold but he was holding me close. There was a small vibration, like and energized feeling maybe?
But I know...I KNOW he was there.
I talked to him and he talked back but we NEVER moved our mouths...crazy I know.

He even got up to check on the boys and I heard the sounds he would make in the kitchen, the computer chair sliding on the tile when one would get up from, it, sounds that I would say were "his" sounds. I heard a bedroom door open, or close. He did come back and he was with me for a little while more, my head resting on his chest. He didn't feel ghostly, in fact he felt solid, whole, just as human as he was BUT I knew he wasn't.

Then I woke up...too soon. I couldn't for the life of me get back to that dream/visit/whatever it was.
I'm not sure he liked the fact that I still cry myself to sleep almost every night or that I was asking him about 100 questions at one time. Could it be he knew I needed him when he found out I was actually in bed hugging the box his ashes are stored in like it was him?

I don't know what went on last night, but I do know that I needed that closeness from him very, very much.
I just wish I didn't have to wake up. :(

Call me crazy, but it was the best night I've had in almost 7 months. I hope he never leaves us.

BTW I asked the boys if they were up during the night, in the kitchen, near the computer chair and both said "No". I haven't told them what happened. Kody would love it, Kolin might be a little spooked. Kolin has only dreamed of his Dad once, he struggles with that every day BUT I don't feel like his heart is open enough yet, I mean it is but I still have to show him the signs or he doesn't see them for himself.
He will soon enough, I am sure.

??

Mystery question of the day.

I'm the only one awake, I make my bed perfectly, no crinkles or anything, my OCD never allows it. I walk away for ten maybe fifteen minutes, come back in my bedroom and it looks like someone has been sitting on it.

Huh?????

**this happened yesterday**

This picture is from years ago, it's my daughters favorite. Recently it fell and the glass frame around it shattered and scratched the picture up bad.
Man, she was devastated!!
However, it really wasn't anything a little time in Photoshop couldn't fix. Good as new!!



Life is Beautiful...Enjoy Your Day!!

Snakeman

I'm still trying to wrap my brain around the thought that he'll be 16 in just a little more then a month.
Time sure does fly. :)



He asked me for a blue scorpion for his b-day gift. Crazy I know but hey, they're not poisonous so I guess it's cool.

Have a great day everyone!!

Healing....

I can't even begin to tell you how many books I have bought and read on healing.
Everyone has a different opinion but most basically start and end with, "there is no wrong or right way to heal after the death of a loved one, everyone is different, do what is right for you"

They also say NOT to make any major decisions for at least one full year especially if they are permanent ones.

Me? Well, I've never been one to follow the rules. I march to the beat of my own drum. I've never been one to conform to what is "normal".
I'm 48 years old and if I want to wear stilettos while baking a cake and then change into Converse when I head off to the movies with my kidlets, that's what I do.
I am who I am...easy to get along with, a loyal friend, a pretty OK Mom {I think?}, I love, I laugh and I live.
I have been loved, actually I have been cherished and that to me is the greatest feeling of all.

I would NEVER consider cutting my hair short just because I'm "middle age" and society tells me I probably should.
I still shop for myself at Hot Topic and Victoria Secret. Nope, I have nobody to impress, I do it because I like to and no other reason.
I never use drugs, I eat healthy about 80% of the time, I walk for exercise and although I couldn't while Karl was still alive {I respected him to much for that}, I will be the first to admit, every once in a while, at the end of a crazy day, when I know I don't have to go anywhere, I still enjoy a nice big glass of Malibu Rum and Pineapple Juice.

From the front I look like any other woman you'd see out doing her Mom thing.
From the back, I LOVE the shock value.

I am Kim, and I LOVE tattoos.
Which, BTW, goes against every rule in every book about healing after the loss of a spouse.
I am Kim, and I am a rule breaker. :)

The beginning portrait you've already seen.
This is the middle..."Would You Know My Name If I Saw You In Heaven"



The three "negative" stars {the inside is skin color the outside is shaded} above his head symbolize "Faith...Hope and Love", the three words we based our marraige on.
The stars have meaning to only Karl and myself. He would know in a heartbeat what they are and that's why they are very close to him.
The tribal below my neck has been there for years, it has the word "HOPE" in it, can you see it? It's kind of hidden.

I won't stop until my complete back is a memorial to the most beautiful man who ever walked with me hand in hand on this planet.
And the best is yet to come. :)

BTW...please look past the chubster rolls and the frizzy Florida hair.
I am who I am.

Have a great day everyone!!

Lost....

I'm lost without him.
I don't know what's going on these past couple of days but I'm empty, I'm lost and it sucks.
I cry thinking about him, I cry looking at his picture, I cry touching his things, even his socks...yea his socks, I can't even put those away. I cry wondering if after all this time I should be making some kind of an improvement, I cry because I'm pretty positive I'll go insane without him.

Shit...I'm crying now just typing this. :(

I won't be around at all till maybe Tuesday sometime, so if you don't see your comments it's only because I'm not home to post them.
My oldest is having surgery Monday morning and the boys and I will be spending some time at her place.

"Peace", I've thought about you lately from time to time. I have no hate or hard feelings in my heart for you, we're human and we all make mistakes. God knows I've never been a saint. I hope you know that I am truly sorry for anything I ever said that was hateful.
I wish so badly you could have known him before he left us. He was an awesome man, fuck....he really was.

My back piece memorial to my Vinny is halfway there, as soon as it heals up some I'll post a picture. Typically my facebook will have all the latest pics first, just a little FYI.

Before I sign off till Tuesday...here's a quick picture of Kody and his reptile pride and joy, Sid. This was taken yesterday.



Have a great day everyone..enjoy the ones you love and tell them you love them a lot.

Friday...

There's an 80% chance of rain today, with more expected Saturday and Sunday, which means today and for the rest of the weekend it's gonna be really wet around here.
I used to love rainy days, now it's just too gray and lonely.

Karl/Vinny came to me in a dream two nights ago, it was quick but it was really nice.
I was out in the garage doing laundry when he walked right in and said "Hey Baby...I'm Back" {crazy thing was I heard him but he never moved his mouth, just kept smiling this gorgeous smile the whole time}.
I looked at him with the WTF expression and I remember him saying "Whats wrong?" I said back..."Nothing just for a second I thought I saw a ghost"
He laughed and picked me up and we hugged for what seemed like forever. I could feel his strong arms, every cut, every muscle that I would recognize if I touched 1000 mens arms. I felt his skin next to mine and it was so beautiful.
He asked me about the new washing machine {I bought it after he died} and I told him that like he promised me he'd do, I got the matching one to the dryer he bought me about three weeks before he passed.

Then I woke up and in that half still asleep state I for a second thought he really was back and that maybe finally I had woken up from this six month nightmare.

Then I looked around, his remains still lovingly placed next to my side of the bed on a glass night table and reality hit me enough to wake me up and realize, he's never coming back.

It was just a quick silly dream that only lasted a short while, I'm sure...but if I could have stayed in those arms forever, I would have been so happy.

Here's our #6 Bonehead on the 4th.
He's really not dirty, I just scuffed it up a little for no reason at all, just because.



Have a great day everyone!!

Kids and Snakes Part Two

Kody, Venus and Memphis :)



TTYL!!!

Kids and Snakes

Kolin and Optimus Prime, KK's baby red tail boa.







Here's that second picture in color, I liked it pretty fine too cuz it shows the snakes pretty color. :)



We got thru our first 4th of July without Karl, kinda unscathed. I was fine all day till I watched the Macy's fireworks last night, then...sigh...I started missing him bad, really bad. The good ole floodgates opened back up.
Thankfully Kody found me a mess and made me laugh by getting my crybaby butt off the couch and dance with him to the music.
Karl would have laughed his butt off, who knows maybe he was. :)

Have a beautiful day everyone!!

Happy 4th Of July

July 4th was always "My Vinny's" favorite holiday, not only because of the fireworks and BBQ's but because it was his beloved Gramma's birthday.
Sadly, she passed away before he and I ever met. He really loved that woman and I wish I could have met her.

Anyway, every 4th, I'd bake a cake and it was for her, we'd sing Happy Birthday and it always made him happy.

Just because he's gone, doesn't for one minute mean the tradition ends. For now on though, it's to celebrate a birthday and the life of a beautiful man who loved the heck outta July 4th.

I was able to get a very quick picture of only a slice cuz whatever is going on with my boys must be a growth spurt thing cuz they had this entire cake gone in like three seconds. :)



The boys and I spend the weekend at my oldest daughters place, she lives out in Altamonte Springs.
The City of Altamonte had this HUGE party/fireworks thing going on most of the day yesterday and since she lives right across the street from all the festivities, we only had to literally walk across the street to get there.
Which was cool for sure since it was past midnight at my last check and the traffic was still bumper to bumper.

These are a few of my favorites from last night.

Blurry but I LOVE the hearts...



I thought this one looked like a palm tree :)







A star...





















To all our family and friends everywhere, we wish you all a very happy and safe 4th of July.

The entire "K" family especially our beautiful "Angel Karl/Daddy"

~*~*~*~We Love And Miss You Baby..Happy 4th!!!!~*~*~*~*~